even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
