YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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