so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
