the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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