You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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