hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
