i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
