I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
