I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
