I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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