I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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