There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
