I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize