Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
