Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
