ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
