Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
