I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
