I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
