Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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