the condom got lost in my hair
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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