I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
