turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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