My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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