I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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