Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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