vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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