i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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