We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He passed out mid-signature
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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