I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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