Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
