Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
