I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
