i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
