after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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