At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize