there's paper in my vomit.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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