Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
