Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
