Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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