My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
