Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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