It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
