Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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