Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
