i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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