I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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