My first STD was from a foam party
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It's just like the Real World with babies
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I need to calm my uterus...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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