well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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