if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
