I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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