The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You pole danced in your parka.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
