mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
