How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
