Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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