Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
