What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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